Time and Trial.

What have I become...

I ask.

I think..

I dwell.

To bad I can not figure it out.

Pitty it will not hit me in the face.

I should never go back there.

Ever.

To many memories.

To many flood back.

I can only see you on sundays...

I am sorry.

I can't go back.

I can not see him again.

Yeah I have found peace..

But I still regret and fear.

I do not trust that place.

It brings so many things back.

To many hurtful times.

I am not happy thinking about them.

My center is crashed when I go there.

My comfort zone leaves.

I have done so well.

I have made it through..

but that place is like quick sand.

It keeps sucking me back in.

I love you!

and of course it isnt you.

I trust my world with you.

It isnt him.

But then again it is.

I moved on.

Found someone I can think about everyday and know at least it isnt him.

But I still think about him.

I hear about him.

I wish I could just get away from all of those 4 years.

I wish they would vanish with him.

That memory... would just go away.

Vanish.

boom.

gone.

But instead I pounder on it.

I will not go back for a long time.

Too painful.

I wish he would just go.

Go so far away.

But that is like running away from your problems.

He might leave...

but he will stay also.

I am at peace.

I am.

I have a center.

A will.

A soul of love and kindness.

but none of that can beat a heart full of pain.

Even when it over powered with love and sweet wonderful things..

That pain.

That man.

Those years.

are chared into me.

Not even God could take that away I do not think.

So in this fairwell.. which isnt a farewell or fairwell... how ever you spell the stupid thing.

It is a time of keep working on it Kaitlyn.

You will find it, You will get it.

And You will grasp that greatness you taste everyday.

I taste it because that is just how bad I want it.

I can taste true peace and happyness right on the tip of my lips..

Almost there.

almost there.

When I look at you today, I see this image of old, a small girl sitting in a big mans office.

Two men are there.

One of Comfort and Love.

The other, I am not so sure of.

They are both looking at her.

One is worried.

The other, terrfied and unsure.

The small girl is wearing a red dress.

Her hair, it is long curly and dark brown.

She looks like a 5 year old who is a sad clown.

But she is not.

She is grown and is in a dark time of lost and confusion.

She makes me sad and go into deluslions.

The scared man, is looking at her, His eyes wide.

The worried man, looks over his dark glass with a kind eye.

He tells her, they both love and care about her.

She looks at him with worried eyes.

The other man, does not move.

He can't look away.

I can not understand why.

Does he love her, or is the other man just trying to make her feel better.

She can not tell and she wants to die.

Is her love just a lie?

Then I snap out of this image and go into one near.

Now this grown girl is older, but still is very frail.

This time a new man with loving and kind eyes joins the other man of peace and comfort.

And also two women who she feels the love radait off of.

The grown older girl is crying, she is trying to press all of it away.

The new man, cresses her shoulder, and she looks up.

He tells her, they all love her and it was okay.

It was safe with them.

Her pain was safe.

I watch her breath a few breaths.

and she begins to tell them all she can.

I hear her story as she progresses on with all the courage she can muster from inside her.

I can feel her broken heart in my own.

She hurts.

She has been hiding.

A long time.

She keeps talking and I start to remember those feelings she has now.

My heart is starting to truly hurt now.

On and on she talks.

She crys as she finishes and I start to cry.

When I open my eyes again and come from this memory, and Realize I am hugging you. Again.

We havent touched since may.

We really hadnt spoken since then either.

It seems you have this urge to keep me close...but not to close.

I hate that about you.

I really do.

We had came together again and rejoyced in friendship once more.

Hugs are amazing.

I love them.

Especally from you.

I think you have the greatest hugs.

But I know now.

As I look at you once more.

I have to hide my love away.

Even if it kills me.